Running away....

Sometimes I wish I could just run away.... far away.... be on my own to do what I want to do.

I love my kids and grandkids but....

Today my daughter once again started "planning" my future. When I "soon" retire, she wants me to watch her kids 3 times a week. I already promised to be available Friday afternoons, but another 2 days? Even if it's just an hour between school and when she comes home..... she is RESTRICTING me! I told her I can't promise anything, I have to wait and see how things are when I stop working. Of course she reacted as expected: " waht kind of grandma are you? Other grandmas would JUMP at the chance to babysit!"

I just don't want to commit to anything.... why doesn't she understand that? Looks like I'm in the dog house again, but to tell the truth... I don't care..... (I think).

Watching the slow decay

I've deleted this post here and re-posted it at my "official" blog, since it contained "real" names. Those of you who know the real me know how to find it, or can ask me via private message at facebook.


I've been busy lately and not in the mood for adding new entries, though I will. They may not end up chronological but I'm sure none of you will mind. Most entries will just be me trying to express my feelings..... or just playing around with my writing "talents"! lol 


Now, back to real life......

If the Shoe Fits ...

originally posted: March 2008




If the shoe fits, wear it....


Where were you when I needed you?

When you needed comfort

I was there with the proper words

When you needed support

I supported you

When you were sad

I tried to make you smile

When you needed a shoulder to cry on

I let you cry

When you were in pain

I sent you hugs

When you disappeared

I worried about you

When you didn’t know what to do

I gave you advice, as much as was in my power

You appreciated my words, my thoughts, my being there for you!


Now it was my turn, and you weren’t there

No words of comfort from you

No hugs to ease my pain

You didn’t visit when I needed you most, though I saw you near

And when you did stop to visit, there were no words from you

And you used to visit often

I hinted, I tried to get your attention

But you ignored my efforts

I feel alone

Now I wonder if I should continue or just disappear

Quiet Times

Like the lady in the photo above, I love to sit by the ocean and watch the water come, and go, then return once more. My thoughts then start to wander and I reflect about all that has happened in my life, past and present.

Another place I enjoy is up on a mountain near my home where I grew up. From there I can see all around me, and once more I reflect on my past and present.

Those are my quiet times. Unfortunately I live far away from both. Maybe some day I'll return there again. and not just to visit, but to live permanently. I'm reflecting on that, but not while viewing into the sea or from a mountain.

This journal may soon be a place to put those reflections into words. At the moment they are too abstract.

My life is full of ups and downs, as with the lives of most of you. But wouldn't it be boring otherwise?

Crying a River

The TV has nothing to offer to watch. It's Friday and boring. So, I'm "wasting" my time blogging... and trying to decide where to begin.

As you have all probably figured out, I'm in a relationship... but one that's going sour. No, we're not married, for reasons I won't go into just yet. One reason for starting this journal is so I can write down my feelings about us and how things have developed. At the moment I'm leaving this journal open, but now with proaccess I can close it so only selected people can read it. I don't have enough readership yet to make it friends/favorites only, so what the point of that, right? Signed in members only is an option, but he also has an account. But that's ok... he rarily logs in anyway.

Weeping Willow... Crying a River. No, I'm not that depressed, yet. But anyone who has experienced a love, a life gone sad will understand.

Where to begin. If I leave him, it'll be the 3rd relationship that I have left. Does that say something about me? I don't want to do that again. I don\'t want to be the one to say enough.... again! I had hopes in this relationship. But I'm tired of the broken promises, the waiting, the uncertainties......

Oh, dear.. now the tears are falling from the willow. So that's how my journal name came about, Willow Tears. 

Decisions to make, sometime within the next months (years?):

Stay and continue our relationship as it's been so far, or leave him and start anew. I'm no longer a spring chicken... at my age it's hard to find someone new, but not impossible (as I have also found heehee). Hey, don't get me wrong! There has been no cheating in all the almost 10 yrs we've been together! So keep those thoughts to yourself! Geeeez....

I did mention before that I have grandchildren. That will give you an idea of my age range.

The second decision is the move. IF I decide to move, it would be MANY, MANY miles away, with all the consequences that entails (far away from kids, grandkids, new job or financial disaster... you name it).

So, enough details for today. Any feedback would be interesting. I won't be online for the next hours so don't expect immediate replies. Sorry about that...

Dance of the Fireflies

first published, August 2006

“Do you want to?” John asked as he drove back toward the village where Sarah lived. 

“Well, the weather looks promising,” she replied, knowing exactly what he meant. 

It was a midsummer night and the weather was soft and warm, not hot, one of those lovely nights that invited romance. 

Anyone who had observed them during their romantic dinner would have thought they were newly weds. They had seemed oblivious to their surroundings, to the other customers of the well visited restaurant, to the trees of the nearby forest. Yet their relationship had already lasted over five years, five years of the usual ups and downs that life tends to throw at you. But they were like a unit, always knowing what the other was thinking. They almost didn’t need to speak words out loud. 

Just before sunset they had decided to leave. Holding hands, they had climbed into John’s Toyota 4-Runner and driven off.  

Not too distant was their favorite spot, a small clearance in a forest just east of the village. They had been there a few times, taking short walks or just gazing at the evening stars.  

The parking lot was, as usual at this hour, empty. They parked and were just about to get out when they noticed them… one, two, three… there, another one! Fireflies! All around them the little points of light danced. 

“There must be a nest somewhere!” John laughed. 

They left the car and walked along a nearby path, watching the dancing fireflies, listening to the noises of the night.  

John drew her closer to him, searching with his lips for her mouth. He loved her kisses, almost as much as she enjoyed his. His hand held her thigh, then slowly moved up toward the seam of her mini skirt. He wondered whether she had dared leave her panties off today, which she had sometimes done in the past. Yes, she had, and soon he was caressing her well formed, naked rear and he pressed her tighter toward him. 

“We had better get back to the car”, he said, as he noticed the air getting cooler and the sweat of their bodies increasing. “I don’t want you catching a chill.” 

They slowly walked back to the car. Everywhere the fireflies were still dancing, entertaining the two lovers as they stood next to the car and watched. The car was between them and the entrance of the parking lot. It was still empty of any other intruders, except for them and the fireflies.  

Their kisses increased, getting more intensive, their hands exploring and caressing the others’ body. Sarah had her back against the car. John had already slipped down his jeans. Soon the heat was really up, not only weather wise. Their passion soared with each passing second, while the fireflies continued to dance around them. They were about to climax, about to reach the ecstasies of love.  

Suddenly a light flashed. The headlights of a car appeared near by through the trees. Instead of turning off to a nearby road, the headlights beamed into the clearance. Sarah and John froze. The driver though seemed to notice the black Toyota. He immediately reversed and drove off in the direction he had come (how considerate), surely quite disappointed to find the parking lot already occupied.  

“Damn!” said John, not knowing whether to be angry or start laughing. “Couldn’t they have arrived 30 seconds later?” he exclaimed, as he felt the moisture running down his legs. Still holding her tight, he took a deep sigh. 

“Oh, well,” said Sarah, trying to keep back a laugh, “there will be a next time I’m sure. And perhaps again with those romantic dancing fireflies.” They got into the car and drove home.  

It wasn’t until months later that they found time to visit the parking lot again. This time they didn’t find any fireflies, only another car sitting in the parking lot in the dark. It was their turn to spoil someone else’s fun! 

The Lady on the Shore

Wistful…..

Like the sheer gown draped around her womanly form.

Wistful…..

Like her long hair, blowing softly in the light sea breeze.

Wistful…..

Like the thoughts dancing through her head.

Wistful…..

Like the yearning look across the raging seas before her.

She was like a spirit, standing on the shores of the sea. Those who saw her felt the sadness and yearning she projected. Her story was unknown and many legends were told to any who asked. Was she yearning for a lost love, perhaps a sailor, long lost at sea?

Or was she just an apparition, a figment of the imagination, a dream, appearing to those with similar longings for something lost, something wished for, something out of reach, something far across the stormy seas.

Only the Lady on the shore knew the truth.

Wistful….

Like this journal…..